when you think you’ve screwed something up but it all turns out ok in the end
*gets on tiptoes to whisper into dairy cow’s ear* why ya titty out
How short are you that you need to stand on your toes to talk to a cow?
Looks like we got ourselves a city slicker
what do we say to the god of death?
me: sean bean is that way
remember when we were kids and we used to all sing that demented version of the barney song where it was like “i hate you you hate me let’s go out and kill barney”
i don’t remember ever doing this. you were a fucked up kid
i hate you
you hate me
let’s go out an kill barney
with a baseball bat
and a 4x4
NO MORE PURPLE DINOSAUR
my best friend just realized 30 minutes before her curfew that she’s an hour away from home in the most dangerous part of the city alone with the buses no longer running so she calls the police to take her home i cant stop laughing
update the cop that came to pick her up is a hot 20 year old guy thats flirting with her and now im not laughing anymore
SHE FUCKING HOOKED UP WITH THE COP
And God said unto Abraham, “Abraham.”
And Abraham replied, “What.”
God said to John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
And Judas approached the rabbis and Pharisees saying, “The one whom I kiss is the one you seek.”
To which they responded, “Gay.”
And thus, god made Eve. And she was bammin’ slammin’ bootylicious.
see you all in hell